Open Your Eyes

"People only go insane when they try to escape from routine.'' ~ 'Veronika Decides to Die' by Paul Coelho.

I attempted to, and I almost drove myself crazy. Now I'm happily back to my good ol'days. Boring, yes, but stable, and calming.

I'm proud and glad to declare that my turbulent and traumatic period is over, for good. Okay, not exactly proud, but extremely relieved. I realised that once I've made a decision, everything in the Universe comes together to help me achieve it. Things started happening to convince me more that i've made the right decision. This may seem uncanny, or you might just dismiss it as coincidence, but I believe that there is something more. Perhaps it could be due to divine intervention(I don't deny this possibility), but I think it's only a matter of a shift in perspective.

Once I decided that I've had enough once and for all, my mind was opened. And I saw what I'd been unableto see before. My mind was more able to make judgements clearly, and not be clouded by my incoherent thoughts earlier. Sometimes when you trust in something or someone too much, and then find out that it'd been an illusion all along, it can be quite a disappointment. But the truth is that, and you just have to accept and learn from it.

I chatted with my facebook friend a few days later and he taught me a sinple method to forget. Our conversation went something like this,

Him: So you're still not letting go?

Me: No way! I've already cut off all contact.

Him: Including the contact in your mind?

That sentence struck me, because I knew I still think of the matter sometimes.

Me: Maybe not...

Him: Thoughts are energy, they travel. So you must be aware of what you think, because thoughts lead to actions.

Me: How do I not think of it?

Him: Picture the person or thing that you want to forget...

                   Slowly change that picture into black and white...

                                Then imagine it becoming smaller and smaller...

                                              Until it has become so tiny...

                                                        Then place that picture on a shelf, far away from you. 

I did what he said, and it really worked! I felt less heavy, less bogged down by what I had been carrying with me for so long. Oh i actually did one more step on my own, I walked away from the shelf.                        

I ran into some troubles lately. And I realised that my thoughts were the cause of them. I was greedy and wanted more than I could take. In the end, I got what I wanted, but I also almost lost what mattered.

I needed help to get out of the rut I was in, so I sat down with my book, "Eastern Wisdom For Your Soul". I couldn't believe the random pages that I turned to was what I needed to know.

Random page One: "Taming the mind is the most important task of one's life."

"Calm your mind to cease its infinite desires and it will allow you to properly perceive the ultimate reality of the Universe."

Tip 1: "Monitor the process of your mind. Be conscious of each thought, but do not attach yourself to these thoughts."

My interpretation: So it means that I will have to learn to let go of my thoughts. Don't hang on to them and build them, making them uncontrollable and more desirable than it started out.

Tip 2: "Allow a thought to come and flow quietly away, like a leaf floating by on a glistening stream of your consciousness."

My interpretation: Hmmm... I tried it, but this one was a little hard to do. I was too greedy, I didn't want to let go of my fantasies. My thoughts would often sweep me off my feet and I'd be in the day-dreaming mood.

Tip 3: " Your thoughts are not who you are, they are simply thoughts. When we attach our identity to the mind and ego, we get lost in the chaos they contain."

My interpretation: I never thought this way before, I always thought that our thoughts are what constitutes us. It's time to change my mindset. So my soul is not one with my mind and its thoughts. Soul NOT= Mind + Thoughts. Right now I need to get in touch with my soul(who I am), because I was getting lost in my thoughts(who I want to be), chasing what was my fantasy and letting go of my reality.

Tip 4: " Begin to observe your thoughts without permitting them to manage your life."

My interpretation: This makes so much sense. My thoughts had taken over my life. Believe me, I was living my dream, yet that period of time was the most hellish of my life ever. I wouldn't want to even elaborate on it. I told myself to let go, let go of my thoughts. Find myself again, because I couldn't take living in someone else's life anymore.

For some time, I managed to find the right track. But I realised I was doing it wrong. I was merely pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind instead of letting them come and go. And I also realised that isolating my thoughts is one thing, not acting on them is another. The latter is so much more difficult. After I've already let go of some thoughts, I'd find myself acting on them instead. Sigh... Will work on it...

---I'LL BE THERE---
By The Escape Club

over Mountains
over Trees
over Oceans
over Seas
across the desert
I'll be there

in a whisper on the wind
on the smile of a new friend
just think of me
And I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
to be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
but I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

On the edge of a waking dream
over Rivers
over Streams
through Wind and Rain
I'll be there

Across the wide and open sky
thousands of miles I'd fly
to be with you
I'll be there

Don't be afraid, oh my love
I'll be watching you from above
And I'd give all the world tonight,
to be with you
Because I'm on your side,
And I still care
I may have died,
but I've gone nowhere

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

In the breath of a wind that sighs
oh, there's no need to cry

Just think of me,
And I'll be there

When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad cause I was blessed
To get to have you in my life

When I think back on these days
I'll look and see your face
You were right there for me

Chorus:
In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
And everywhere I am there you'll be

Well, you showed me how it feels
To have the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

Chorus

Cause I always saw in you my life, my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
You were right there for me
Always

Chorus

There you'll be

I love you~

One of the ways to make our lives more meaningful, is to always find the reason behind what we do or are going to do. Don't do things blindly, there's no such thing as "I want to do something because I want to do it." That only shows immaturity and lack of thought, then whatever you do will have no meaning. Without any reason behind doing something, that action will then become meaningless.

Here's how I find reason:

For example, you're asked, "Why do you blog?". Surely you do not blog for 'fun'? You may generalise it as being 'fun', but there must be a deeper reason as to why you enjoy blogging. It could be because you like sharing your thoughts with people, and like having them validated. Or it could be that you need some outlet to release your feelings, feelings that you feel uncomfortable telling a person face-to-face.

For me, I blog because I am not who I am in real life. I dare say no one knows what I think about in real life. You can say that I live with a mask. I don't share my thoughts with people other than those whom I really trust. So when I trust someone, I fall deeply. If they betray my trust, they can forget about me telling them anything ever. I'm sorry but that's how I function, to protect myself. So I blog, to show who I really am inside. I make it a point to make my posts meaningful, because I don't want to bitch about my life and its everyday happenings.

"Why do you study?" Most people would say "because my parents ask me to," or "because I have to pass my exams." For me, I study not for anyone else, but for myself. Knowledge is selfish, when you possess it, no one can take it away from you. You can pass it on to someone else, but he cannot take it away from your memory. Therefore I study with a purpose, a reason, and that makes studying more tolerable, and even enjoyable.

So the point is to find the reason behind everything you do, and that action will become meaningful, and enjoyable. Have you thought about the reason behind what you did today? :) Think deep.

Today I went for Daryl's uncle's wedding solemnisation ceremony at Selena Tan's house. The whole event was very simple, and the guests were all dressed in shirt and jeans. I think the most poignant part for me was when the couple exchanged their marriage vows. Below was what they said:

Bridegroom
I, __________________ take  ______________ to be my wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony. To love her, comfort her, honour and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, so long as we both shall live.

Bride
I, _________________ take  _________________ to be my wedded husband, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony. To love him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as we both shall live.

The verse is very sweet, yet I got a sense that this marriage vow actually means nothing. Looking at the divorce rates, how many couples can actually keep to their part of the promise? I'm not being pessimistic, but I feel that we do not need a marriage vow to be married. If we love the other party, we'd do all these without the vow. We don't need a vow to tell us that we have to do something, our conscience and love will. But I believe that every couple meant what they said at that particular moment, and it's very scary how some change their attitudes completely after marriage. Abuse, extramarital affairs, emotional blackmail; the scary things that couples do to each other, after taking the marriage vow. So I somehow feel that the vow isn't very effective. But then Daryl told me after I raised it up to him, that the problem lies with the people, not the vow. Which I think is true. However I still hold on to the belief that we don't need a marriage vow to bind people together in matrimony.

There's this Facebook application which i'm addicted to, it's called ithink. It's a platform for people to come together to share their opinions and views. You post an opinion, and then people will vote on it; whether they agree or disagree. It's really cool, and you get opinions like, "Indulge in the things that inspire you the most," and "It's quite sad to notice that those who think they are great communicators often forget to listen to others." How true! Then of course I'd agree with those opinions. I learn a lot from these opinions, because they're put up by people who are right over the other side of the world, and have more life experiences than me. Then of course I put up opinions of my own, like, "Humans are amazing with the ability to feel, so celebrate each and every emotion you feel," and "Sometimes finding a true friend who will never desert you is more difficult than finding someone who loves you." Is that true for you?

There are more opinions, loads of them in fact. And I feel happy when people vote on my opinions and comment on them too. I feel that my views are validated, and I'm heard. That's what making ithink regulars go back for more. It's really like a big family :)

I want to mention an opinion which I received from my ithinker friend, and it really came at the right time, as I was vexed over some silly matter. It's "Focus on those who care about you, and forget those who do not treat you right." The moment I read this opinion, light was shed upon the matter which I was upset about. Yes indeed, I do not have to bother about people who do not treat me in the way which I deserve. And immediately I felt my heart was lifted and I cheered up significantly. I managed to let go of that matter after that.

ithink is a fantastic application, but it's sad that whenever I try to promote it, it's never well-received. It's not like some other brainless app that's so rampant on Facebook, its called 'ithink' for a reason. I really hope that my friends could benefit from this insightful application.

My office seemed sombre these few days. I could really feel the bad vibrations of the office space, everyone was glum, we were all quiet the entire day. It was different from any usual day. Even my boss who scolds my colleague everyday was silent. Everyone went about on their work, and avoided contact. I wondered why... I knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. Then I found out today. One of my colleagues has quit and would stop working at the end of the month. SIGHS. People are leaving the office one by one. And I think it's because there are many backstabbers and gossipers. I really wonder how the accounts department is going to function from now on. It's sad that it has to come to this.